Once in awhile I read, watch or hear things that make me stop in my tracks, shake head and think. This short VIDEO is one of them, it is produced by Attn: and it is about women who do not have children and what people think about them.
I recently watched this video and it had my mind in a whirl because I do not have children and I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked if I have children. When I respond, “no” I often get a look that sometimes makes me feel inadequate, selfish, or as if I am a freak.
Did you know that 1 in 5 women do not have kids? I actually did not know that statistic but what I do know is this, having children is a huge decision and there are many, many reasons that women do not have children. Whatever our reasons they are nobody else’s business and how dare people try to make us feel badly about it!
For some women it is a choice and for others the choice is not their own. Some women just can’t have kids, something medically happened to them to prevent it. Maybe they tried and couldn’t, maybe they were ill when they were young and it left them sterile, maybe they have something genetically wrong and their children would be born with deformities? Who knows what the reason but at the end of the day for women who wanted to have kids it is very difficult to be asked if you have children when you don’t. In fact for some it is heartbreaking each and every time they are asked.
There are others, like me, who just never felt the maternal pull and consequently just do not have them. Some feel the world is overpopulated and do not want to add to its burden. For others it was never the right time or they never found the right person to have them with.
There are many women who are happy with their choice and then there are some that as they age believe they may have made a mistake. I am not that person, I am happy with my choice. I am also blessed because my husband had two children when I met him and although they are not my biological kids I love them as if they were.
Having and raising kids is a huge undertaking, children need lots of love, time, attention and resources to make sure they grow up to be good people and productive members of society. But just because you do not have a child of your own doesn’t mean that your knowledge, time, resources and love go unused.
Personally I believe there are some in this world that should not have had kids, simply because they do not love them, do not take care of them, abuse them and treat them horribly.
I actually had a 65 year old friend who once told me that her mother was one of those people, she told me that her mom was the worst mother in the world. When I asked her why she told me her mother NEVER had time for her and her siblings, never hugged her in her entire life and never told her that she loved he. I tear up just writing that because it is so far from my life. I am blessed to have a wonderful mother.
I am curious, do you have kids? If not, what do you feel like when people ask you that question? Tell us so that maybe someone reading will hear your story and listen. Do you have an opinion about women that don’t have children?
Thanks for reading and for listening! Have a great day!
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I am with ya my friend. I never, EVER had the desire to have children. Even as a child, I never played with my baby dolls in a way that made me feel I was practicing for something greater! I just used my dolls as actors on the stage for storytelling! HAHAHAHHHAHAHA
I too was approached a few times by family, particularly my half-sister. It was a very uncomfortable feeling to be treated as if I were selfish and unworthy simply because we chose not to have kids. I did have a great conversation once with a fellow student while I was in college (when Ruben and I were both in school in Boston). She said, "You love your unborn child enough to not bring him/her into this world." I had never thought of it that way, but it rang true with me. As a married adult, we made the "intelligent" and thought of decision to not have kids because we were TOO busy with ourselves getting the educations we both desperately needed. We worked like mad to establish what no one else was going to do for us, and I knew that having a baby just because my mother did it was not a good enough reason. Etc, etc……to this day, we don't regret it.
BLESS YOU my friend!
I do have children, and started late (age 43). I have many friends without children, some by choice, others as a result of not finding the right partner.
I think every child should be wanted. Too many people have kids because it's expected (especially by their parents) or the thing all their friends are doing or because it just happened, without thinking about it. I know too many parents who act resentful toward their kids, like life would be more fun or they would have more freedom without kids dragging along. They don't like the responsibility, and sometimes, to cope, they just ignore the responsibility. The kids are the ones who get hurt.
It would be better if more people acknowledged that having kids isn't for everybody. I know many people who love gardening, but I just don't find joy in it. Kids are like that. They don't give joy to everybody. We need to accept and celebrate different choices.
I agree with you 100%. Having children seems to be the default, rather than the result of a thoughtful decision. I chose not to have children and have never regretted it.
Great post! You expressed yourself beautifully! I DO have children. I can't remember not wanting to be a mom–obviously I had a strong pull towards that, a pull not rationally explained. Because of that pull, I can completely understand the absence of that pull. I don't have a lot of "pulls" that compel others. It is all neither admirable or less admirable–just a variance!
Elizabeth this is a very thoughtful and poignant post and it is a very personal topic.
I do have a son and daughter. Two of my best friends do not have children though, and they are two of the brightest, loving and caring women I know!
xoxo
Karena
The Arts by Karena
xoxo
Karena
The Arts by Karena
Wow! That video is really something. It's interesting. I met a great lady through the blog. Within the first couple of minutes she told me that she didn't have children and it was left at that. She's become a close friend and the subject never has come up and I never thought much of it. Have a great week, dear Elizabeth!
Definitely no right or wrong, the most important thing is that a child be brought into this world WANTED and ready to be loved. Whats the point if you don't want a child and are just trying to fulfill status quo. For me I cant imagine my life without my kids and that includes Teddy:) however
I totally respect ones choice and have a friend how could not have kids for years then when she finally could decided she was too old to start a young family. She is happy, successful and more than fulfilled in her life….I never not once look at her with pity or think shes missing out on anything.
Its not for everyone and I for sure would never judge anyone….and trust me when I think about I think about those late nights worrying up until 2am, maybe you are onto something lol. Interesting and very thought provoking post!
I do not have children, nor do I want children. I have always felt that I would not make a good father. I don't have the patience for it.
some of the finest couples and singles i know opted not to have children, and our eldest son has always said he will not. i am sure i will hear from other grandmothers about what i am missing, right???? i think it's an honorable choice, not a selfish one. peace to you.
Elizabeth, this is such an interesting topic. Although, as you know, I have three children, my husband (my children's step father) opted not to have any children of his own (other than the three he inherited through me!) I can relate to this topic. Nobody should ever feel "less than" for their personal life choices, but, sadly, in today's world that is often the case. You are one of the most loving and caring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing – that is what is important! xoxox
Elizabeth, I have just returned from helping my daughter after the birth of my grand daughter; I am trying to catch up with everyone, so I'm a little late responding to this post. It touches on a sore spot.
I truly wish everyone could read this post. As you stated there are many reasons for a woman not to have a child. Just as there are many reasons someone has only one or a dozen. We have (maybe we always have been) become a nosey group. We always need to have the scoop into everyone's private life, and we must always give an opinion. I've often been ask why I have an only child. Most assume it was a choice, it wasn't. But, it is what it is, and as you said, it is no one's business.
I have a dear friend who is a Pediatrician at our local Children's Hospital who made the decision early on to devote herself to helping children with catastrophic illnesses. Selfish for not having children? I think not. Parenting is not for everyone, and bless those who make the decision that is right for them. Thanks for a poignant and timely post.