Monday Musings No. 232 | Two Things Can Be True

There will be no book this week, no outfit, no movie, no walk report. Not today. I am writing this with a broken heart.

I told you last week that my stepfather had gone into hospice. The doctors were quick to say it is not like the hospice of old, not the kind where the end is hours away, and there was still hope for time. There is always hope when you love someone, that stubborn, completely human hope that the people we love will somehow find a way to stay. But the end has come so much faster than any of us thought or hoped. And here we are.

I want to tell you about him, because behind every blog is a life, and behind this one is a man named Gary who has been part of mine for forty-two years.

Forty-Two Years

I won’t lie, I know how lucky I am. I did not get an indifferent stepfather. I got Gary. He came into our lives over forty-two years ago. He worked alongside me in our family leather company. He taught me to drive. He traveled with me, sailed with me, laughed with me through more adventures than I could ever name. He had opinions and was not shy about sharing them, which made working together equal parts fun and spirited.

He loved reading. He loved history. He loved sweet treats the way I do, which made him a willing and enthusiastic audience for every single photoshoot I ever did for the blog. I would put something in front of him and he would taste it and tell me exactly what he thought.

He loved me as a daughter. He loved my siblings the same way. He walked me down the aisle alongside my father when I got married, and that is something I will carry with me always.

He is still here as I write this. He has been given the last rites, and the doctors say it could be twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Family is with him, and I take comfort in knowing he is not alone. I was able to speak with him, a phone held to his ear, and I told him: that I love him, that I always have, and that I will see him again.

The Other End of the Weekend

The same weekend held something else entirely. My nephew, left for college to chase a dream he has carried since he was seven years old. He wants to make films and write screenplays, and he has been doing exactly that since childhood. We are so proud of him, and so excited to watch him live and learn and step into everything ahead of him.

We sent him off full of excitement and pride. And underneath all of that, was the thought that Gary will not be here to send him off with a few words of wisdom the way he has done for all of us over the years.

Two Things Can Be True

I have been sitting with what it means to hold two things at the same time. Joy and grief do not take turns. They do not wait politely for each other to finish. They arrive together, and you carry them together, and some weeks that is simply the way life is.

I am a believer. I believe that Gary will be reunited with everyone who went before him, his parents, his friends, his grandson, even his pups. I hold onto that. But belief does not erase fear. I am afraid of the unknown, and I think most of us are. The faith and the fear are both real, and I have stopped pretending otherwise.

I am blessed, and I know it. My family is not perfect, we argue and have our spats, but at the end of the day when the dust settles we forgive, not always forget, and love one another. Gary was a part of that. He chose to be.

Thank you for letting me share this with you today. This space has always been that for me, a place to think out loud with people who feel like friends. If you pray, I would ask for two small ones this week: one for a young man who is just beginning, and one for a man who gave so much and is now, I have to believe, heading somewhere good.

I know I am not the only one carrying something right now. Someone reading this is grieving too, or holding their breath over a diagnosis, or missing someone, or sending their own child out into the world. We all carry something. This is just my space and my story, but there is room here for yours too.

I do have some posts prescheduled for the next couple of weeks, and I will keep things going here with Friday Favorites and Weekend Meanderings. Some weeks that is the best you can do, and I think that is enough.

Have you ever had to hold two very different things at once, joy and loss in the same week? I would love to know I am not alone in that. And if you are on Instagram, come find me there too.

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